Sean, the smug international traveller
This is Katherine — my guest in the lounge today. Just show your boarding pass. Oh, paper! Very retro! I have everything on the app.
Welcome to the Osmium Class Lounge. When you’ve flown as many miles as I have it’s a privilege to let others in on the secret. This is Miguel. Hola, Miguel. ¿Cómo estás? If you leave your roll-on with him, he’ll polish it for you while we enjoy a few airside treats.
Of course, even Osmium doesn’t offer the same benefits as in the golden age of long-haul. If you flew Patriarch class with Pan Am, your Kobe steak — cooked to your preference — was ready when you arrived in the lounge and they laid on customised hospital trolleys to wheel us on just before take-off, in case we overindulged on the single malts.
Now it’s all gone a bit West Coast hippy: detox bars, cranial massages, mindfulness sessions. Mind you, I hear Changi has something really special planned for the next lounge upgrade: it’ll feature a small Impressionist art gallery, live TED talks from Nobel nominees, and a nine-hole golf course under the runway. Do you play? I thought not. Anyway, help yourself to cigars. It’s really the best way to prep for 18 hours in the air.
Katherine, the worried worker
To: assistant@da-biznis.com
Subject: cheap seats
Dear Liz — I managed to snaffle time in the first class lounge with a contact of mine. He’s heading for the world congress, too, in fact. I stocked up on olives, crisps and sandwiches for the plane while I was at it. Very glad I did — the in-flight food was inedible. Sean was dining on Heston’s à la carte menu, as he was only too happy to point out when he brought me a glass of Bollinger. Patronising of him. (It was delicious, though — waste not, want not.)
Thanks for the use of your Ritz eye-mask by the way. Glad some of us can afford to go there. I was pretty upset to have missed out on the team celebratory tea a few months ago. But you know, someone has to man the desk.
Look, this is a bit awkward. I know I agreed to book the flight myself and because it was all a bit last minute and I feel so guilty about flying I took the cheapest option. After all, what would Greta say? I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want us to be comfortable on long-haul.
In fact, I’ve reduced all my travelling. Don’t need it really. Can do everything virtually these days. So much better for the environment. If anything, the competition is for how little travelling you can do.
But I was thinking: the rest of my team fly a lot and while we agreed strategically it makes much more sense for me to stay behind and handle email and put together strategy papers, what I’m saying is . . . I think I should be entitled to the same comfort as my team members, and get you to book business class for me next time. Unless, of course, I’m not important enough after all?!
****************
Liz, can you delete my last email? Bit jet lagged. Don’t want it to get out I’m making a fuss or for anyone to think I’m not grateful for a job. K.
Katherine: Sean! Over here by carousel 12! I think the valium’s only just kicking in. The child next to me used me as target practice for six hours.
I’ve checked: with a shuttle and two buses, we should just about make the keynote speech in two and half hours. I might need a hand with my bag, though.
Sean: Really sorry, Katherine. The Osmium SUV is waiting. The rules are strict: frequent flyers only. Also, if I wait for you I’ll miss the en route eye spa. It’s a must-have part of my arrivals regimen.
Hang on, my app just pinged me that your monorail is down. Don’t worry: I’ll warn the summit chair you’ll be late. Ciao!